I had some friends over for a big taco party, and ate the leftovers all week! We had ground bison, refried beans, guacamole, cheese, peppers, tomatoes, lettuce, cilantro, salsa, sour cream, and sweet potato fries. Plus crunchy taco shells and chips for taco salads. Crunchy tacos are high on my craving list this fall!
Big taco salad:
I had tacos the following two lunches, once as a salad and once as a pair of traditional tacos in the shell. Cook once, eat three times!
No breakfast tacos this week. Just a super green smoothie and a bowl of pumpkin millet porridge on a busy workday.
I served this pumpkin pie smoothie to Mazen one morning and he freaked out because it wasn’t green. Typical. What’s funny is after 15 minutes of asking me to “take the pumpkins out” he drank it, and then asked for more. I swear everything has to be his idea!
Speaking of discipline, we are struggling a little over here. Mazen has such a strong will. Some days he is so happy, laid back, and sweet, but many days he’s bossy, rude, and manipulative. (He often tells me “I am giving YOU a time out.”) I am never a pushover and do not cater to the bossy behaviors or in any way let him think they are OK or reward them. Time-outs have lost their effectiveness. So I created this Choice Chart to use a visual to separate good and bad choices. The idea is he gets tally marks and a sticker on the “winning” side at the end of the day. A week’s worth of good choice stickers = a toy, treat, or fun activity. I’m sure some of you child experts might have a critique of something I’m doing wrong here, but this falls under the “you just have to figure things out” part of parenting! I sure could use some advice! So far it seems to be working well enough, although we had one bad day after two really good days.
My final meal to share…Mona Lisa Pasta with roasted broccoli. Mazen complained, and then ate all of it : )
What are your best discipline tips?
Jill says
Hi Kath, do you ever worry about putting so much personal information online about Mazen? He has a very unique name and one day he will be able to Google himself and very easily see the things you’ve written about him. I know I wouldn’t want to find out that my mother had complained to thousands of readers on the internet about my behavior when I was little. Would love to know your thoughts on this; I know it’s a sensitive topic! Thank you! (p.s. the taco salad looks delicious!)
KathEats says
I have written about this before, but the short answer is no, I’m not that worried or I wouldn’t be doing it. I steer away from personal topics like potty training or medical information.
Katie says
I appreciate you writing about him! It sure helps me as a mama of 2 boys!! 🙂
Stace says
For what it’s worth, I didn’t see this as complaining at ALL. You sound like a mother who is explaining a current issue and asking for advice. I think Mazen would be proud to know that his mom cared enough to ask for advice from other parents. 🙂 Take care. (P.S. I’ve never tried millet before, but I can’t wait to try your pumpkin millet porridge!)
Anna says
We did something similar with my then three year-old; I made a color chart with a big clothespin clip that you could move down through the colors– start the day on gold, and there were six colors she could move through, all the way down to black. Every time she “made a bad choice,” the pin was moved down. If she ended the day and wasn’t on black, she got to pick a treat after dinner– fruit gummies, ten minutes of i-pad time, etc.
You know what though– it didn’t work that well (some days it worked great; some days she literally could not have cared less about the damn chart), and I think, truly, the only thing you can do is be consistent, don’t give in, and wait for them to outgrow that phase. Now she is 4.5, and my husband and I were just commenting to each other the other night that she seems to have finally come out of whatever it was– the constant whining, crying, fit-throwing. Not that she has perfect behavior now– certainly not!– but there does seem to be a shift happening towards generally better choices and behavior, much more consistently.
The only other thing I’ll say is that I blamed a lot of her “poor choices” days on age (which I do think is part of it), but we also added a baby to the family during that time, and I”m SURE that had a huge effect on her mood and mind, even if she couldn’t really express that to us. Those big changes can be tough and I think can definitely manifest themselves in different (often “bad”) behavior. He’s been through a lot of change, and even if it has been carried out in a mature, non-ugly way (which it seems like it has), it’s still going to mean a lot of “different” and new for Mazen, you know?
Anyway, I guess just take heart that you aren’t alone!
KathEats says
Thanks for the tips! I’ve had friends say 4.5 was another turning point, so hoping for that : ) Things have been better after the choice chart, although I’ve taken a break from it, so maybe it had a small effect.
Marci Gilbert says
We have a pin up calendar in his room and use it as a sticker chart. It has lost some luster over time, but he loves to get a sticker at the end of the day and is disappointed to get an X. We give in to stickers most of the time but talk about bad behaviors too. I still do too much yelling and hate that. I wouldn’t say crying is a bad behavior on your chart. It probably resulted from something else. My son is usually most annoying when he is tired and or hungry. I want to see other comments!
M says
As a counsellor, I really struggle with the concept that crying is a bad choice. Crying has positive effects – it releases tension, and expresses feelings, and signals to others that you need help. Society has a lot to answer for with the idea that “boys don’t cry”, or that crying is bad!
Jean says
Reader but not much of a commenter here. I had a strong willed child. First, I know you are a reader and I would really recommend the book “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book really changed the way I viewed my child’s behavior and now she is a very successful 25 year old grad student and college coach.
Also, I know it is just the way it is but Mazen has had a pretty stressful few years with a move, a divorce, Karen’s move and illness, knowledge of loss of the bakery, etc. That is a lot of change for a child. I would expect some behavior issues and when we had a lot of change, the best thing was to nest a lot and keep things consistent. Children that are spirited or strong willed need to know that each day there will be structure. I believe you mentioned you were dating someone and maybe this is not the time to introduce that person into Mazen’s life. For him it is just more change and that person might leave also. I thought your chart seemed complicated. For most children Mazen’s age, a week is a indeterminate amount of time. How about a day by day chart system. For example, Mazen was good today….we will get to go throw the ball in the backyard for a 1/2 hour this evening. Or Mazen was good today, he can pick out one extra bedtime book. Maybe pick out the bedtime reading books in the morning and then take one away for naughty behavior. If he has a very naughty day, all the books may be gone by bedtime and he goes to bed with out a story. I don’t agree with rewording good behavior with toys and gifts.. Good behavior is the expectation and earns privileges like extra playtime or an extra story time. Naughty behavior means we don’t have time for those privileges because we are too busy addressing the naughty behavior.
Just my thoughts and you can certainly take them or leave them. I would recommend the book though.
Celly says
I agree with the above – a week is VERY long to a child who can’t yet really tell time. Perhaps start with a day – remind him at wake up, and “reward” an overall good day with a 15 minute mini-episode of tv, or a bite size candy, or an extra story at bedtime?
Also, agreeing with the tremendous amount of change he has gone through this year. Even though the move may seem inconsequential to a child, they do notice and can’t always verbalize or even cognate why they feel so disagreeable. We updated our living room set a few years ago – our son didn’t even seem to notice. Until 6 months later, when he said, “HEY! Where’s our red couch? And our shelves? Where’d my stuff go?”
Kristen says
I agree with a lot of your points, however, most child psychologists recommend rewarding good behavior. It’s called positive reinforcement and often causes great behavioral changes.
laura says
We have a bright, thoughtful, and deeply emotional (for good and for bad) almost 5 year old. We recently went through a season of not being a first time listener. I talked to our counselor at school (I’m an elementary school counselor) and she echoed the positive reinforcement AND the immediate gratification at first. We got a big mason jar ( I know you have plenty of those, Kath!) and filled it with pom-poms and then got an 8 oz mason jar for our daughter. Every single time she was a first time listener for even the tiniest things, we gave her a pom-pom. That way, she filled up her jar the very first day. She got to choose a reward for filling it up. When she was not a first time listener, we just said, “Oh wow, I would really have loved to give you a pom-pom. Maybe next time!” Then we moved on. We saw a huge difference in her behavior and eagerness to point out her good choices and 2 and 1/2 year old little brother wanted to join in.
All this is to say… we tried it, and it worked. We’ve tried other things that didn’t. Through it all, we make sure that she knows that her heart is good and that we have no doubt about that.
I’ve read your blog for a long term, and you seem to be thoughtful in your parenting and in your life.
Peace.
KathEats says
Love the Pom Pom jar idea!
Jennifer says
Yes!! We did the pom-poms with my son at this age except we called them fuzzy balls. Every positive behavior (listening the first time he was asked to do something, using kind words, helping with a task without me asking) was rewarded with fuzzy balls, sometimes loads of fuzzy balls (our jar was kind of big and I wanted him to fill it up fast). All negative behavior (not doing something when asked, being rude/whiny/demanding) resulted in the loss of fuzzy balls….I would hand him the jar and have him hand me however many balls I told him. When the jar was full, he got to pick out a new toy or choose a fun family adventure (a trip to the bowling alley or a bouncy place). It was immediate recognition of good and bad choices and it worked GREAT!
Sue says
Often a kid that is having a “bad” day needs extra outside time with mom to burn off some energy and be around her. Likewise, quiet reading time at night might be just the “time in” that is needed for both mom and child to reestablish the bond and both calm down and end the day on a good night. Withdrawing time with mom (which isn’t what you said Kath) might actually make the bad day worse.
I like the reward system. I do a similar thing for myself to make sure I’m getting in all the things i want to – mostly it’s just to kind of keep track but I am definitely motivated by gold stars!
Pamela says
I totally agree with Jean. Kids don’t try to be “bad.” They are still learning how to express feelings. My son was extremely strong willed and had really intense tantrums, especially when we moved. Now that he is 11 and a really nice kid, I see that he didn’t understand a lot of what was happening and some things were frustrating for him.
I also agree with Jean’s use of privileges and choices for a reward. And on a short interval, like for an hour of using his words rather than hitting, he gets a story.
This isn’t a criticism. We all figure it out as we go and you are doing fine. Just sharing what I wish I knew when my son was 4 and also wanted to highlight that Jean is spot on.
Ashlee says
My first thought when I saw your Good Choices chart is that.. I should have one for myself!!! Have a handful of things I want to focus on for the week and give myself a gold star if I achieve them. Drink enough water, eat clean foods, exercise, meditate, sleep……. DON’T drink too much, waste time on social media, snack on unhealthy sugary treats…
KathEats says
Haha love that!
Ashley H. says
This is hilarious and so true – love it!
Emily says
Haha, I need one too! Good idea gals! In all seriousness, my daughter was born the summer Mazen was and we’re going through the same type of issues. I haven’t made a chart yet and definitely need to. Our biggest struggle is getting ready each morning and out the door for school, when she would rather take her time getting up at a much slower pace 🙂
KathEats says
I will say that we fixed the whole morning routine thing by rewarding good behavior with the Olly Gummy vitamins. That’s been working for a long time now.
Kelley says
Our gummy vitamins in the morning also saved our morning routine!! She doesn’t have to know they are healthy! Ha! We are also going through a rough patch with our 4.5 year old. Some days I just want to cry because nothing works! I just hope that people are right when they say it gets better around 5! Right there with you, you’re a great mom!
Natalie says
Doesn’t he need to take vitamins anyway? Do you withhold the vitamins when he’s not having a good morning? Be careful with this one, it might backfire at some point!
Monica says
We struggled with behavior when our son turned five and entered kindergarten. I tried the sticker chart and his weekly reward after a good week was a small train of his choice. That only worked for so long. We eventually moved to the old-school writing sentences form of punishment – “I will listen and follow directions;” “I will keep my hands to myself;” and so on. Over and over. He hated it which was a victory for us. We haven’t had many problems since then. Just what worked for us.
KathEats says
That’s interesting that the old school worked!
Sara says
I think Jean makes some good points. I am not a parenting expert but I do teach positive behavioral support strategies for working with adults and children with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Even with ABA and reinforcers (which is the principle of what you are doing here) they have discovered that unless emotional connections are not possible for the child, then proactive positive support does much more long term to developing better and more socially accepted behaviors. Mazen has had some real turmoil this year (separation, new school, Karen moving) and at 4 his ability to regulate his emotions is not where you might think it is. Plus, many many kids use up their capacity for self regulation in school where there are stricter rules. My 4 year old is in kindergarten and we are seeing a ramp up of his push back to us because he is having to behave in school so much. I remember it from our 6 year old when he was the same age. It passes when they realize that home is the safe place and they find ways to have unstructured fun.
On a clinical note, having any emotion be a “bad choice” then gives credence to the idea that there are good and bad emotions. Emotions just are. Maybe help him reframe it to see how what he is doing is limiting what he wants to do. I know you have that as the idea, I think the chart would have him simply label “crying” as bad.
I know you, like all of us, are muddling through parenting and it really seems like (at least for me) that once I have mastered one issue, the next one pops up. Kids – they keep us on our toes. It sounds like Mazen has a lot of loving people in his life and is generally a good kid. He can’t be manipulative. He cognitively doesn’t understand your point of view. This age kids are all id.
If you want some other resources, I can send what we recommend for parents here at work.
Stacey says
Hi Kath,
Just chiming in to say I agree with Sarah here. I am a child psychologist, so technically that makes me a “child expert” I guess. 🙂 Just chiming in to say that a 4 year old does not have the developmental capacity to manipulate others with their emotions. The express the emotions that they feel at the time. We may interpret those emotions as being manipulative, but that’s our projection as adults. Children cannot “manipulate” with their emotions until they gain the understanding that other people feel differently, think differently and have a different perspective from them…… which isn’t until at least 8-10 years old. Now, their behavior might FEEL purposeful to us, as in we say “no you can’t have that” and they cry and whine in an attempt to get us to give in….. but that’s just using whatever skills they have (which at 4 is very few) to get their needs met. It’s up to us to model more appropriate ways to get what you need…. i.e. “I see that you are upset and really want that candy. Use your words and let’s talk about it.” Hope that helps! You all have had a lot of changes this year and it can be hard as a single mother. Keep up the good work! Mazen seems like a great kid. I love hearing about him.
KathEats says
Yes, manipulate was probably the wrong word to use….but he is one smart little boy with the things that he says to try to get me to change my mind : ) THanks for the expert advice!
Alissa says
I second “Raising Your Spirited Child” as mentioned above. My little guy is a few months younger than Mazen and we’re dealing with very similar challenges…so bossy and rude.. This book really changed how I view him and his behavior, and has helped me IMMENSELY. Like, a million a-ha moments while reading. It made me realize I was probably a spirited child, too, and a lot of my parenting habits are based on how I was parented. Really good read with lots of actionable advice. I also recommend Janet Lansbury’s “Unruffled” podcast and Facebook page. She follows the RIE approach, and I don’t agree with all of it, but again there’s good advice to be found. I mean, my son still threw an absolute fit about not getting chocolate milk this morning, but the difference is I wasn’t flustered by it like I was in the past and it didn’t escalate. Good luck!
KathEats says
You had me at podcast : )
Erin says
I like the idea of a chart like that, we recently have been dealing with some behavior issues with my 4 year old as well. I think some of it stems from the new school year, I once read an article that the transition to school can be tough for kids. They try so hard all day to be good in school that when they come home it’s like a sigh of relief and they act out for all those times they can’t act out in school. All I know is that I would like my sweet boy back soon!
KathEats says
I think the school v. home contrast is probably a big one. They feel so comfortable at home with us that acting out is actually a good sign of their comfort level at home.
ali says
Hi Kath,
Long time reader, first time commenter. I think that the idea of your choice chart is great, but like other commenters have mentioned, I’m not sure that “crying” should be there as a bad choice, as it is simply the manifestation of powerful emotions at that age, and not necessarily something “bad”. Similarly, since your focus here is on behaviors, I’m not sure that I would have chosen to put “vegetables” on the good side, it might be easier for him to understand if you stick to only behavioral choices. (I understand that eating vegetables is a good choice generally speaking, but it seems more like a “house rule” or decision that you expect from him, as opposed to ways to manage or handle situations and conflict)
Good luck.
KathEats says
Crying here is more whining turned into crying when he doesn’t get his way. I would never lump crying because he was sad or hurt in with this, although I can see how he might not be able to tell the difference (even though his cries, like a newborn’s, are totally different if he’s sad vs. whining).
Vicki says
Kath – I hear ya sister! My five year old sounds so similar to Mazen. Some great advice on here from more experienced mums so I’ll be watching this closely. We’ve also had some big changes and I wonder if that’s contributed to some pretty terrible behaviour.
Anyway, just keep reminding yourself the fact you even bothered to raise this issue shows you are a wonderful mum who cares x Stay strong x
Sarah @ BucketListTummy says
I could eat taco every single night. Especially with ground bison 🙂
Laura says
He is at an age where they start to test their will and independence. Be consistent, and discuss with Matt what consequences and rewards you will use so there can be consistency between his house and your house. Also keep in mind Mazen may still be adjusting to the seperation and acting out because of it. You and Matt seem to be doing a great job coparenting but it is still An adjustment. Anyway, have rewards for good choices and consequences for bad. We take away electronics as a consequence and give quarters or dollars for days/weeks with good choices. A bonus with that is it teaches him to save his money for something he wants.
Coco says
I’ve developed a system too to deal with bad behaviors or bad eating habits. My daughter, 4 too, loves watching her favorite cartoon on Sunday (and only Sunday she’s allowed) and eat ice cream on Saturday. So if she behaves badly, I’ll put a number in the fridge which means she can’t do both things for a week. Sometimes we ended up with 7 numbers, and in that case, I’ll let her take them off if she behaves extremely well one day.
That has been working for months now.
I think it’s not too bad to let them learn to control their emotions and wills to get something that they really want.
Mary N. says
After 4 children and now 30+ years I’ll just boil it down for you: consistency and consequences. Be strong…;-)
Anne Weber-Falk says
You got that right. I finally got it by the third child. She is 15 now and I still struggle with her. It’s hard to be consistent even now. Sometimes the consequences stink, especially when they are younger. There were days that I really wanted to go to the park but we couldn’t because of my child’s poor choices and behaviors! It gets easier with time and maturity. You and Matt must try to stay on the same page (that’s the hardest part) and remember to take some deep breathes and know that there will be lots of tweaking and change as time goes on. Someday you will laugh about some of this.
Tonya says
I’ve read all of these responses and Mary N’s is the wisest! Consistency and consequences. See, when you’ve got kids in your 30s like she does, you’ve been there ,done that, heard all the techniques and weigh ins from “professional child whisperers”, and you can just laugh and say “consistency and consequences”. LOL! My kid is 19. People praise him all the time, and Mary’s advice sums up how he was raised. Oh and faith! a lot of faith! HA! Single mom here. I needed it! 😉
Kath, the fact that you’re OPEN to advice and don’t think you know it all shows how great of a parent you are!
Lynn A, says
Mary, Mom of 4 here too and I could not agree with you more. I could type all day but you boiled it down in the two most important words!
Sophie says
Taco night! YUM! I could eat tacos every day! Where do you get those cute striped shells?
I wonder if little Maze might be having some trouble adjusting to the changes brought about by your and Matt’s separation? I know that you’re super happy and, believe me, I get the relief of ending an unhappy marriage, but Mazen has had a lot of changes to cope with – not having both of you around all the time, different routines depending on whose house he’s at, new people in his life, etc -in a really short period of time, especially for a little kid. After all, at his age a few months is like years to us, LOL!
Take care!
Caro says
I loved Unconditional Parenting. It helps you think about rewards and punishments in the context of the relationship you want to have with your kid.
polly says
Kath you are so brave to ask people’s opinions! haha
I have no advice other than keep loving him like crazy, as you already are! I think charts can be good, and i loved the bedtime book idea with removing one with each action that was not kind,behaving, etc.
Gosh i guess kids are just little “big people” and you know how hard this year has been and kids don’t often show just how difficult changes are for them so they do act out. and sometimes they are just being a kid. haha 🙂 I think he is loved and safe and has a great mommy and daddy. I think all the times you and matt are together like a pizza night or whatever shows him that you all have love for each other, even if not married, and that is huge for a kid. I give you and matt huge credit for being friends. From my friends in similar families, there was a lot of love there and they grew up to be loving wonderful adults with just two sets of parents.
Keep learning as you go, nobody gets it perfect (I sure didn’t) and it’s obvious Mazen is the most precious thing in your life and because of that, he will always know he is loved which is really all any of us want. 🙂 XOXO
Morgan says
My daughter is in second grade now, and my husband and I were just laughing the other night (over a bottle of wine) about some of her more memorable “fits.” There weren’t many, but boy do they stand out! I’ll spare you the details, but just know that someday, you will be remembering them with a smile because it will have passed and it will just be a memory.
That said, one thing that helped me was to calmly say to Alice “How would you have handled this at school?” Someone mentioned above that the difference between school and home can be trying, and I knew that she was always on her best behavior at school. If she had a moment at home that was less ideal, I tried to stop her and have her think about the difference. If she was particularly petulant, I would persist and ask what her teacher would think of the bad behavior I wanted to stop. Sometimes I think it helped because it just got her to stop and listen for a second and think. The other thing I do (and still do with all of my kids–they are 17, 13 and 7) is yoga type breathing. Again, it’s just a pause when they need it, and if they are concentrating on breathing (and you are too), it can really help both of you calm down and see the other’s side. My 13 year old son has some small anxiety, and we have carried this through with a lot of everyday occurrences, and it really helps.
I went through a divorce when Alice was about the same age as Mazen is. It wasn’t easy, and it’s something you should be cognizant of, but please don’t worry that you’ve messed up or anything like that. As long as you are aware and paying attention, you both will be happy and it sounds like you are doing just that!
Christina M says
My son is a year younger than Mazen and we regularly have to address his very strong will. I have no advice, just wanted to say I sympathize! My husband and I are secretly relieved when we see other young children exhibiting the same behavior as our son. It make us feel less like the “bad parent” and more like we are all in this season together. 🙂
Best wishes navigating this season in Mazen’s life.
Christina M says
One more thing . . . I LOVE how you call it a “choice” chart!
Sara says
Oh, man. Good luck with the strong willed kiddo. My kiddo is nine and right now we are focusing on THINKING before responding. So often I get negative responses, whines, gripes, etc to typical mom requests and comments (what we are having for dinner, please go brush your teeth, what chores we have to accomplish) and we have been encouraging her to think about what kind of response to give before she gives it. This simple technique has actually been successful for us and she comes across as much more pleasant and agreeable. Good luck. Mommin’ is tough.
St. Louis Electrician says
Tacos with extra cheese, please! Yummy!
CEM says
I have to recommend this book. Changed the way I looked at childrens behavior and how they express emotions.
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame https://www.amazon.com/dp/1499351119/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fuN.xbHNQFRRS
I’d try not to label mazen’s whining and crying as “bad.”
Especially for a strong willed child. He’s dealing with feelings that he can’t yet express.
We have a simple chart of family rules on our fridge.
“Do not hurt others, do not hurt things, say please and thank you,” etc. If rule is broken there is a consequence. Simple. Some days are hard and you’ll want to yell and send people to their rooms! You got this.
Margaret says
Hi Kath, mom of four here (now in their teens and early twenties). I know that four year olds can be challenging. I remember an article that I read when my own kids were four that said that age four is like a mini-adolescence. It marks that halfway point of early childhood and a lot of developmental changes happen at this age. I agree with the other commenters that it’s best to be kind and consistent and stick to a comfortable, regular routine.
I do have to say that as a nurse, I’m a little concerned about the use of gummy vitamins as a reward. I realize that the possibility of harm from an overdose of these vitamins is probably low and I remember that you posted in the past that you keep them on a high shelf and don’t ever refer to them as candy. That’s great, but I’m not certain that this is the best approach. Vitamins are medicine and any kind of medicine should be totally separated from the concept of reward or punishment.
Lou says
Hi Kath, I have a five year old in kindergarten and a two and a half year old at home and have found that the areas I most struggle with are perceived challenges to my authority AKA kids being kids trying to figure out their world and independence. I’ve been reading a lot of Janet Lansbury who teaches what she calls respectful parenting. She also does podcasts. She offers some solid strategies that doesn’t involve time outs and negative reinforcement. I have found it to be really helpful and am employing some of her tips. Like instead of saying good choice or bad choice, if something happens and I have to remove a toy because he isn;t listening/obeying – I will say something like, I can see this toy is distracting you and we need to do x,y,z so I am going to put this away for now. This has led to meltdowns that we talk out- like calmly acknowledging why he is upset and why I had to remove the toy and THEN I close with I am confident or I know you will make a BETTER choice next time. it removes the idea that there are good and bad things and makes it more about focusing on better choices and positive statements.
CEM says
Yes! I love Janet Lansbury. I recommend her to everyone!
Caitlin says
As an early childhood specialist, the first piece of advice I give parents when they are working on behaviors at home is that once you put a system into place, stick with it because behaviors get worse before they get better. Almost every single time. It may be a few days later or a few weeks later, but there is always a “fighting back against the new system” period. And if the week long system didn’t seem to work, breaking it down into smaller chunks (like a day, or even half of a day), will make it more manageable and easily understood by Mazen. Just keep giving him tons of love and being the great mom you obviously are and he will be just fine!
Tulsa Electrician says
The chart idea is so cute!
JR says
As a clinical psychologist, I agree with many of the above comments and would encourage you to think about the FUNCTION of the behaviour rather than the behaviour itself. For example, think about when Mazen is acting out. What need isn’t being met there? Is it a need for security/safety? Love? Stimulation? What precedes the behaviour and how do you respond (I.e. What has he leaned the consequent of the behaviour to be?) Children, like has been pointed out previously, lack the theory of mind to manipulate so their behaviours often serve a much simpler function than we may think- I’d recommend that you keep an ABC diary (antecedents, behaviour, consequences) so that you have a better awareness of the function of the behaviour, prior to intervening. I wish you all the best!
Tracy Parrish says
Enjoy every moment the good and the “trying”. There isn’t a fix that will fit all…all kids and adults respond to different methods. I’m sure you will figure out what works for you and Mazen. Much Love, TP
Katie @ Peace Love & Oats says
Oh my gosh, I would have no idea what to do with a strong willed toddler, so kudos to you for doing your best! And I LOVE leftover tacos! YUM!
Anne says
Anything and everything from Janet Lansbury http://www.janetlansbury.com/
Rachel says
Been there with a strong willed boy!! He’s now 5 and a half and so much more easy going. I think it’s just part of growing up and understanding how to communicate effectively. It’s so hard at the time though, you just have to be consistent and patient. Don’t worry, you’re doing a great job. We followed charts quite loosely and reinforced positive behaviour which did help. It’s just a phase, good luck 🙂
AB says
Add Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) to your reading list: https://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939. I found it to be very helpful in changing my approach with my strong-willed preschooler to one that fostered more empathy and a stronger connection in our relationship, rather than relying solely on punishment and reward.
Stephanie says
Hi Kath, I think it is great that you are doing a chart. I am a teacher and we use red/green choices which each have consequences. Red consequences and green that way the students learn that good and bad behaviors have consequences.
Jordan says
I love tacos so much! I just made some spicy chicken tacos for dinner tonight. And I agree that they make the best leftovers…always look forward to lunch of tacos!
I think you’re doing a great job with Mazen, you’ve been through a lot this past year, so considering all that you guys seem to be thriving! I grew up with a single mom so I know it can be tough. Don’t forget to reward yourself for your good choices too 🙂
Lisa C says
First, rest assured this is what he’s supposed to be doing! None of us have it all figured out. But I do love the “Aha Parenting” blog. Best parenting advice I’ve ever taken (and I’m a Mom of 5 boys!).
lulu says
I think you have to trust your instincts – no one knows your house and your kid as well as you do. I think one of the major things that I keep in mind is that kids are not doing things to you – don’t take his shenanigans (lol) personally. He’s just a little boy (a really very little boy – no matter how smart, talkative, mature, etc. – he’s still very, very young) and he’s trying to navigate the world. Personally, whining and crying/whining don’t bother me – those are easy for me to respond to in a normal voice and move on. Also, I’d rather do dishes or go to the dentist (two things I hate) than maintain a chart – that’s so much work and I just don’t really think they are that successful (maybe it’s because I’m not so committed lol).
It will pass – it always does with kids. Try and enjoy your time with him at this age as much as possible and don’t put too much pressure on either him or yourself. And, most of all, don’t take it personally.
Emily says
I have a little boy the same age as Mazen, and we went through the same difficulties when we went through some big changes at our house. Even though we thought he was handling things well, me being pregnant and having a very difficult pregnancy, it was dealt affecting him and manifesting it’s way into his behaviour. We also did points and rewards but in the end (after him starting to take away points away from us for bad behaviour) we decided to stop with the points and instead constantly encourage the good behaviour verbally with no rewards to earn. He liked being told he was being brave, and kind and then he started to also tell us we were being kind and nice to each other. When he made wrong choices, or said mean things, I just calmly correct the behaviour by saying how it makes me feel (it hurts my feelings when you tell mommy you don’t want to play with me) and he usually always says he’s sorry and that’s the end of it. He’s not always perfect, but no one is, and it feels so much nicer to be focusing on the positives and not the negatives all the time.
Mariah says
Your last post mentioned how many extra curricular activities Mazen is involved in. As a retired teacher, I can tell you that in my experience very often children with behavioral issues were involved in so many outside activities that they very rarely got a chance to just be! I had a student once who had something scheduled every day except Sunday. Actually, if you considered church as an activity it was something every day. Poor little guy melted down just about every school day. When his parents gave me his list of activities I wanted to cry. I couldn’t imagine being that busy every day. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing, but maybe scaled back until he gets a little older and more settled in his new routines. I just pulled my niece out of her dance lessons until she gets used to being in school full time. She had a huge adjustment to make. I have been taking care of her for years, so she never went to day care and only attended pre-school part time. She told me the other day that she was glad for the break and can’t wait until she starts again.
Molly says
I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I’ve been there with both kids and really struggled to make changes that stuck for more than a few days. What helped us the most was the book “1,2,3 Magic”. I found the approach outlined in this book to really speak to many of the struggles our family has been going through. It is easy to make changes and stick with them! I would highly recommend it. Love the blog btw!
mandie says
My son is the exact same and its so refreshing to hear that other parents are struggling too. Our problem is that he is the same for everyone, including school. So he acts up there, just like at home. I echo some of the other posters: positive positive positive and immediate gratification. We make a huge deal about anything good he does, call dad to tell him praise him with dances. When the bad behavior approaches, we get on his level and remind him “It seems like you are angry /frustrated/whining, you need to use your words, if you dont stop yelling etc. you will have a consequence” Tons of roll play, break out those peppa pigs and have george act like mazen was earlier that day. Also there are tons of books you can get to read to him. Get him thinking with situations that aren’t focused on his bad choices..
Ali says
Janetlansbury.com! She even has a podcast and a book! She’s the best. She changed my life as a parent.
Amanda P. says
I’m not a parent so I don’t have any advice on that subject but I wanted to say something about “change”. I know a few readers have commented about the big changes in your life lately and the effects that they can have. This is so very true. But, I also wanted to just say that our lives from when we are born and throughout our entire lives is full of change on a daily basis. It is something that we all have to handle no matter what age we are. I wanted to put this out there because I want you to know that I can tell you are a wonderful parent. Change will happen and your son will adjust. You will figure things out as you go along as all of us have to do in any situation in our daily lives. Keep doing what you are doing……ask for advice……try new strategies…..play….love and do the best you can on any given day.
Side note: There is a book called “The Four Agreements”. One of the “agreements” is: Do your best. It talks about how that can change from day to day and really moment to moment. Your best changes whether or not you are well/sick, have energy or are tired…..etc. (Remembering this just helps me sometimes know that I will get through whatever life throws at me)
KathEats says
Thank you <3
Leatitia says
My son tends to do chores last minute (and by chores, I mean very basics things like brushing his teeth, dressing up, taking a shower, eating…). I’m fed up with it and I hate that it makes us late. this week, this is what I’ve been doing :
– Explaining to him that, when you have things to do before a specific time (going to bed by 7pm or leaving for school by 7am), you need to start early! Maybe that wasn’t clear before.
– Having a chart with all the things he needs to do before school/before bed. So he knows all the things that need to be done and have to plan time for them.
– If he’s late, making him stay on the sofa in silence that evening. During what used to be his ‘tv time’, for each minutes he made us late. Yesterday, he was 15 minutes late for school. he stayed 15 mins on the couch that evening. He was 4 mins late for bed, he’s gonna be an extra 4 mins on the couch tonight. Since we have very limited TV time at night (he maybe has 30 mins), this really cuts his leisure/relaxing time and bothers him.
– If *I*’m late, I also have to sit and have quiet time on the couch. Leads by example. This morning, I was 10 mins late, I’ll have 10 mins today. He was 25 minutes late (!)… Very little TV tonight.
– If one day he’s on time, haha, he’ll have a sticker for that day and after let’s say 5 stickers, a little surprise.
He needs to take responsibilities for his actions and that’s the strategy I found. He couldn’t play with me or have fun relaxing time because he made us late that morning. I’m not screaming, not rushing him out. But he knows if we leave the house after ’12’ on the clock (after 7:00am), he’ll have a quiet time at night.
As far as discipline goes, time out (quiet itme) still works with my son. I usually tell him, if you complain about this chore, or if you’re rude to mama, etc., you’ll have 5 mins of quiet time. Do you really want to have 5 mins on the couch? He usually calms down, knows I mean business. It is NOT easy and takes a lot of breathing on my side to keep my calm. Being a parent is hard!
Jeanine says
I have a 5-year old girl. She has gotten more and more polite over the past 2 years, through some strategies I learned from my therapist. One thing that helps with chores is going halfway. I’ll do half of a chore (picking up Legos, for example), and my daughter does the other half. We literally do nothing else until she finishes her half. I’ll even remind her of how excited I am to play our next game, but we just can’t move on until she finishes picking up. I often challenge her to a game to help move along the pace. I think another key to curbing rudeness is to immediately disengage. I don’t respond to my daughter when she is rude, and I tell her that I won’t be responding until she chooses kinder words (if I don’t tell her why I’m not responding, she doesn’t understand). A simple “I can do that for you when you choose kind words” or “I will help you when you ask with respect” seems to make a big difference. Good luck!
carol keefe says
Wow! You have been given many ideas and opinions!! I am reader not often a writer…but love what you write! I have three girls 29,28,27>>> so I love reading about your and Mazen and your sister…ps congrats to her! The point I am trying to make is you are doing a great job!!! Just keep doing intuitively and act with sensibility !! you are a really good Mom! Is it nurture ? Something tells me your Mom and Dad did a great job too!! Yes rearing children is hard but the result is awesome!!! Even when they say they hate you…my response was and is to that is I HAVE LOVE ENOUGH FOR TWO !! SO HATE ME! I WILL MASKE IT WHOLE!
Sam says
Not a parent but I am a school psychologist. The positive reinforcement you’re providing is great! ‘My only suggestion is that a week is a long time to wait for such a little guy. Maybe a small reward for each good day (or even 1/2 day!) such as picking dinner, 10 min of screen time or an extra story before bed?? And then those bigger rewards for a good week (or 4/5 good days!) make goals attainable so he can feel success ! And keep up the good work ????
Nicole says
Parenting is so hard! Discipline is definitely a trial and error game. I still struggle and I have 3 kids. Something that has helped my husband and I greatly is that we took a Love and Logic class. We were feeling so lost with raising our oldest daughter(7). I’ve been dealing with ppd and anxiety since having my 3rd and was having the hardest time dealing with parenting. We both weren’t finding joy in it at all which was heart breaking! We decided to take this class and it truly opened our eyes to much better ways to parent. Parenting is so tough but I’m handling it better and enjoying it so much more since finishing the class. My depression/anxiety has even improved! It’s amazing what can happen when you have the right tools! They also have a book, but I do so much better with classroom/visual learning. It was great to bounce ideas off the teacher and group. One thing specifically that has been helping us with bad behavior is to tell them that we don’t allow kids who are _____ (insert bad behavior) to do _____(activity that they are doing our might want to do). And this one has been really great. You may play with _____ unless it becomes a problem. When whatever it is becomes a problem, remove the problem. Anyways, I hope that helps or makes sense. Look into that class though. Utah offers it for free in select areas. Our teacher said she could even come to your home and teach a class of at least 5 for free! Wish I would have known that! ???? Good luck. You’re doing great.