Getting divorced is a life event I never thought I would go through. Therefore, I really hadn’t given the process much thought other than to know it is never easy. I haven’t had any close friends who have gotten divorced, although I know quite a few people who are on their second marriage (mostly men, actually).
Divorces happen for a million different reasons, so of course everyone’s experience is different. When I made the announcement, I had so many of you readers reach out to me that you had been through a divorce (especially with children involved) and that you’re doing great. Those messages were so comforting for me. I have also had readers email me that they are currently unhappy in their marriages and ask for my advice. All I can tell them is that I am happy on the other side and encourage them that their intuition will tell them what to do.
While it would be wrong to say this experience has been “good”, I feel (and I think Matt would agree) that it hasn’t been as bad as books, movies, and rumors make it out to be. Here are some of the stereotypes of divorce I have heard/expected/felt and how my experiences have been different.
You will hate your former husband. You will try to emotionally and financially hurt one another.
This couldn’t be further from the truth! One of my friends jokes about how Matt and I should write a handbook on mature divorce because we have never turned mean spirited towards one another. We never blamed the break-up on one another or felt it was one sided. We maintained the same respect for one another we had when we were married, and that has carried us a long way in doing things mutually and agreeably. That’s not to say there weren’t tough, sad or awkward times – we just chose to take the high road.
Friends will become distant.
I was surprised by how many people came up to me to offer their support. A friend’s husband approached me at a party to let me know he’d been divorced and was on his second marriage (which I didn’t know). He offered to talk if I needed to. Several others offered to talk to me about the legal process if I needed advice. I did have a few friends take a step back (which I am sorry about and hope will change in time), but I had other friends reach out when when they knew I needed them.
You need several years to process the divorce before you should start seriously dating again.
I don’t really understand the waiting period mindset. I was ready to start dating right away. Life is short. Why waste time twiddling your thumbs just because people might give you the side eye for dating “too soon”? It’s your life and your happiness and only you know all of the details. You can’t waste a minute worrying about what other people think. Follow your gut on this one too – only you know if and when you are ready to date.
Dating will be awful. There won’t be much selection, especially if you’re not in a big city.
I had fun with dating right from the start. I kept an open mind and wanted to meet people of different backgrounds and social circles than my own. I recommend the dating apps like Match, Tinder and Bumble. I was skeptical at first, but my single friends told me about the good experiences they’d had, and they pushed me to try it out. First of all, dating apps are not just about hookups. I only had one person send me a crude message, and I blocked him. Most people are honestly looking for love, and the apps are so great because:
1) they cast your net really wide into social circles you would never dip into otherwise, and
2) you can get the basic introduction and feel for your chemistry with someone chatting digitally before you meet in person for a date.
Breaking the ice behind the screen makes those first few conversations in person so much easier. Modern Romance has a whole chapter on the pros of dating apps! Thomas and I technically met on the soccer field, but we connected on a dating app and might not have started a conversation otherwise. So what can I say, it worked for me!
No one will want to date you if you have a child.
This was perhaps the most surprising stereotype debunked for me. I was always very upfront with guys I met, letting them know that I was separated and had a son. I didn’t have one guy blink an eye at this. (Or if they did, we didn’t move past that blink.) Not everyone is cool with dating someone with a child, but most were. This might be because I am in my mid-30s, but what surprised me most was that guys feel a woman with a child is actually a plus.
A few weeks after meeting Thomas, I told him I was surprised he was so cool with me being a mother. He said he’d started looking for a single mom because she’d be more mature and have her life together. I waited a while before introducing Thomas to Mazen, but T was super excited when the time did come and they have been great playmates ever since.
You missed out on happily ever after.
It is never too late to find love <3
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog says
I loved this post, and I’m so happy for you. 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
KathEats says
Thank you 🙂
polly says
MASSIVE HUG and this is awesome. love you kath. Happy for you and that last photo is too cute. I am so glad you and matt are friends, bc why not be? Life is short, and i bet Mazen will one day say THANK YOU for being friends with dad and also THANK YOU for bring Thomas into my life! He rocks. 🙂
XOXO
KathEats says
Aw polly you always make me smile : )
Jill says
My husband and his wife divorced after she met someone else. That was nearly 8 years ago. We met shortly after they separated. Their son was 15 months, and now that (poor) kid has 4 adults raising him 😉 It took a couple years of awkward drop-offs, difficult conversations, and occasional fights, but now everyone gets along incredibly well. We attend parent-teacher meetings together, cheer en masse at soccer tourneys, and our kids (she now has 3 more, and we have 1) are all really good friends. We share hand-me-downs for the kiddos, we text back and forth about any issues (“is he doing this at your house? He’s totally pushing the limit on that at our place”) and it’s amazing to know our 9 year old has two loving, healthy homes. Plus about a gazillion grandparents and cousins. I know it’s not like this for everyone, and it did take a lot of work to get here – for all parties – but I think keeping the health and welfare of the child as a priority can help a lot, and putting egos or judgment aside. We always swore we’d never badmouth the other parent/parenting style with our child in earshot. That was a big thing. And now when he asks about what happened, and specifics, we say “yes, that happened, but look at how happy we all are, and how much you and your brothers and sister all love each other – isn’t that great?” Not traditional, maybe, but pretty awesome.
Happy you’re happy 😉
KathEats says
Thank you for sharing this happy ending!!
meredith (The Cookie ChRUNicles) says
it’s so true how divorce is a different experience for everyone! I am glad you are doing so well! I would say it’s a long process of emotions that often we don’t fully realize or even understand until years after the divorce process is over. I too never fully understood waiting to date when we think we are ready, however, looking back on my first few relationships after my divorce, I can see things very differently now. again, it’s all what works for each of us! no two divorces or experiences are alike.
KathEats says
So true
Annie says
This is a great post. I am a child of divorce and currently happily married. I know for my parents, divorce was the best option. They may not be the best of friends but they were able to coparent with little drama and both moved on to find spouses they are incredibly happy with.
I think a lot of people fear divorce because your not supposed to give up but I feel like you. Life is short, if you are unhappy you deserve to find happiness, whatever that means for you. Divorce doesn’t have to be an end. It can be a fun new beginning! Glad you found your happiness!
Sara says
I love this! I’m also divorced, and I met my current fiance on Tinder! I was 30 when I first got on Tinder, and MOST guys were super nice. Everyone told me I’d never find love or another husband on a “hook up” app, but I think that’s people’s fear speaking because it isn’t a hook up app. It IS someone scary to go out and meet someone random for the first time. But after a while it’s exciting, and you come to see that generally the people behind the screen are just that – people. And they want to get to know you!
And another point, it was so much better for me than going out to bars hoping to meet someone. If I’d stuck to that method, I truly believe I’d still be single. Never in my life have I met someone drunk at a bar who turned into being a boyfriend.
I’m so happy you found love – I think too many people stay in unhappy relationships because they fear they won’t find anyone else, and that makes me so sad!
KathEats says
Yes yes yes!
Tonya says
I LOVE this post! I enjoyed every single paragraph and the pictures were lovely complements! I have no experience with divorce, but I really enjoyed the dating stories and advice. The part about Mazen and T was so sweet, as well as the part about you and Matt taking the high road. Know what–whole post was awesome!
Morgan says
This is a great post. I only started commenting on your blog after you announced just because I saw so much of my story in yours and I thought you handled it with a lot of dignity, grace and happiness. I started dating my high school best friend very soon after my first husband and I separated. I know I got the side eye from a lot of folks, but there was just a chemistry there that I couldn’t turn away from. We literally got married the week after my divorce was final. Again, yes, lots of side eye. But I can’t imagine being happier or having spent one more minute away from him. We have been married 3 years now and it’s still pretty dreamy. So yeah, judge away, but I’m happy, my kids are happy, even our dog is happy.
I actually thought of you earlier this month when I heard the Miranda Lambert song Pushing Time. If you haven’t heard it, look it up. You might love it as much as I do.
KathEats says
When you know you know 🙂 And I’m googling the song right now!
Ellie says
I went on my first online date last night after a 2 year relationship. I so afraid. It was great. I’m still not ready to “settle back down” but it’s not that freaky.
Maria says
I am very happy for you it is nice to see that some people to get that happy life. I have been divorced for 15 years, I dated one man that turned out to be a pathological liar. And have had no one else in my life. I am happy for you really!
Emily says
So happy for you, Kath!! Cheers 🙂
Colleen says
Kath,
I have been following your blog for several years, but only recently started commenting. I am in the process of divorce right now (in the state of MD there are some wacky laws but we are almost finished the process!), and I will be 100% honest: part of our story is that I had an affair early on in our marriage. And while I still carry a lot of guilt (hoping that will ease as time goes on), my ex has been nothing but supportive, kind, and amicable towards me. Yes, it hasn’t been perfect (case in point: the random screaming match we had while completing our taxes LOL), but we have grown a lot through the separation period and now, through the divorce. We do not have any children or pets, but we were still a family. We owned a home together and we worked so well together during the process of selling it. He helped me move into my new apartment. I took him to a medical procedure and held his hand. Even though we don’t have a child to bind us together forever, I do feel like we will always love and care for one another, whether as friends or as a distant memory.
Being married taught me so much, and the mistakes he and I both made have helped me to learn and grow. I recently met a new man on OkCupid (another silly dating app!) and he is absolutely incredible. On our first date I told him I was technically still married but separated and going through a divorce, and he didn’t even blink an eye. He has been amazingly supportive, even when I get sad about the divorce and need to cry. I now know more than ever what I want out of a relationship, and what I want to give to my partner.
Is divorce easy? Hell, no. But I can honestly say it has helped me to grow into a wiser, healthier, more grounded woman, and I wish my ex the utmost happiness because he deserves it.
KathEats says
This is all so great to hear. Best of luck to you!
Katie says
thank you for sharing this. I would truly LOVE to see more posts like this as I think they are very helpful to people in similar situatiuons. thank you thank you!
Heather says
I am so happy that the process has been good for you, however this isn’t always the case. I agree with you on some of these fronts but I worry people will take your experiences verbatim and not realize that it’s different for everyone. For me, while I started dating right away I quickly realized I still had some healing to do, and needed time to be ok being alone. Also, I’ve had some guys ok with me having a kid but I find I don’t get nearly as many matches on the dating sites as my kid-less friends. I do think being a single mom is hard because there is less time for dating, and some men do not want a mom – however I just tell myself they are not for me!
I recommend divorce care classes to anyone going through divorce – its a 13 week program that most churches offer for free that really helps you process all the emotions you feel – there are even sessions on coparenting, and dating 🙂
I hope I’m not coming off as rude but I just wanted to comment on this incase anyone reads this who is going through a divorce or is contemplating one. It’s not always as easy as you have found it.
KathEats says
Yes I totally understand and realize I got lucky. Thanks for sharing
Sam @ Hygge Wellness says
Great post, Kath. My parents got divorced before I could even walk and they were great friends my entire life. I can tell you from Mazen’s perspective, it is SO helpful! I don’t know how kids get through it without mature parents. I could always have 1 birthday party, 1 family gathering, 1 anything.. they made it work. It wasn’t about them and their divorce. It was about the family that they, at one point or another, chose to start. I’ve never lost sight of just how thankful I am they did this. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
KathEats says
Really glad to hear 🙂
Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) says
Great post – love the honesty. I had a very similar experience as you (without a kid involved though). My ex and his wife are friends with my husband and I, and they are both coming out tomorrow (along with a bunch of our other friends) to see my husband’s band play!! 🙂 It’s pretty cool actually, and I don’t care if other people don’t “get” it.
KathEats says
That’s awesome!
Kelli @ Hungry Hobby says
You are amazing, have a wonderful weekend Kath!
Leigh says
One of the really lovely things that I have noticed as you and Matt have separated is that the love, respect, and caring that you two have had for each others parents has continued. If I recall correctly, you even had KK stay with you at your house after the divorce. That’s a really beautiful thing and something to be proud of, for both you and Matt.
Also, you might have brought a child to this relationship with Thomas, but he brought a 4-legged furbaby into the mix. Your love and acceptance of Gus (and willingness to deal with hair and drool) is also very cool.
I’m really happy for you. 🙂
KathEats says
🙂
Ashley says
This does give me hope. I have been toeing the line regarding a divorce for almost a year. Unfortunately my current spouse is not willing to work with me regarding this issue- I want to remain friends, I want to co-parent etc. But I feel like he is in total denial that its real, and though I know divorce is the best thing for us-he just refuses to acknowledge that and blows up in a pretty scary way. Has anyone experienced this? I understand that each situation is different so only I can really know the answer, which I do- I just needed to comment because this is what is in my mind exclusively and it was nice to read such a positive post regarding separation- especially with a child. Thanks.
KathEats says
I think that acceptance is the hardest part and once you get past that, that’s when the healing and moving on can begin. I think the hardest part for us was just making the decision. Because we were still husband and wife then, just hurting a lot. Once we made the decision, it was like the clouds parted and we go start planning for the next change. I hope that is the case for your husband – once he can see the other side and that you both might be better off, he might feel relieved. I can’t speak for him, that’s just a hunch!
alan says
I have occasionally commented about issues pertaining to nutrition, food, etc and have not waded into this territory. So here goes my first…
I think being the owner of the blog (creator, designer, etc) gives you incredible freedom to let us know what you want, what you don’t want, etc. I found your blog about 6-7 years ago as I was researching healthy food options for myself, and have followed since. One reason I keep coming back here is because you are welcoming, open, upbeat, and interesting. A virtual friend so to speak.
Since I don’t know you personally, I have kept my mouth shut lest it be misconstrued or out of place. I read others comment that they hope it works out (last year around this time) but I really never felt it was my place because it’s your thing. All I can truly reply is that your openness is appreciated and very respectful to us the readers (in your own space and time). It lets us “in”. You have things to share that are personal and your tone and blogging have been what keeps me coming back and I’m sure many others. I truly appreciate a “real person’s” view about this very touchy and personal subject and I admire your attitude toward it all. If I ever find myself in your shoes, I hope that I can take even 10% of your positivity and use it. So thank you!
And I’m very happy for you in your current relationship (if a virtual male friend can say that without being a “lurker”), and hope that you continue to find fulfillment and happiness. What you share is your business, but I am glad you did.
KathEats says
Thanks so much Alan
leatitia says
THANK YOU for talking about this. Thank you for talking about divorce, kids, dating, being a single mom.
I feel like dating for me is so hard. I have my son 24/7, all year long. He’s always with me, I never get a night off. His father is unfortunately barely in his life, and it’s never planned in advance, so there’s no way for me to plan a date with someone. I feel so awkward asking my parents to babysit for me to go on a date. I asked once in 5 years! Now that my son is older, I feel like having a babysitting once a month could be doable.
I agree that being able to talk to the other person on Tinder before a date helps! You know what you have in common with that person, it’s a great ice breaker.
I feel like divorce is a mirror of the relationship. If people used to blame the other for problems, they will do it even more during a divorce. If they use to argue about money, they’ll argue about that. I used to argue about not being a priority for my ex, and that’s what we still argue about. Or, I don’t but don’t understand his choices.
You two seemed to have a very mature relationship, it continued after.
KathEats says
Best of luck to you <3
Elizabeth says
Interesting post. Do you have any book recs for the divorce process or dealing with kids during divorce?
KathEats says
Here are two books I read: Two Homes, One Childhood and Conscious Uncoupling
Christina @ montessoriishmom.com says
I think it’s amazing that you’re being so open about this :). I’m so happy for you that you’ve found someone so great and that picture of Mazen with him is the cutest 🙂
Allison says
Thanks for sharing more of your very personal story. Your happiness is evident and it’s wonderful you are in a good place. When you announced your relationship news, you said: “We don’t know yet if this separation will lead to a divorce – we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.” Overtime, “divorce” crept into your posts and now it seems like you are indeed crossing the bridge. What were the reconciliation efforts like for you? It may be helpful to others going through a similar situation to have some insight into what led you from the separation to divorce decision. Appreciate your thoughtfulness on this challenging topic.
Julie says
Your post made me think of the breakup podcast I listened to this week from Death Sex & Money. It was quite interesting to hear so many different perspectives on breaking up with all sorts of people in your life. Thank you for sharing your story.
KathEats says
Cool I will look for that
Sana says
<3 So much love, positivity and respect conveyed in this post! Divorce, love and relationships are hard to discuss on a personal blog but you have done a wonderful job of doing so!
Heather says
Aw, Kath! I smiled the whole way through this. As a *very* longtime reader, I really love the new voice you’ve found along the way.
Izzy Bruning says
Such a brave and beautiful post. x
Izzy |http://www.pinchofdelight.com
Andrea says
Great post! You continue to espouse #womangoals 🙂 GLad to be following along and glad you + everyone are doing well!
Sarah says
Sorry, divorce is rotten. I mean, I attach to a cockroach, and that’s just me, however,, if you don’t grieve your husband, then maybe you don’t emote.
Your whole life can be easy post-divorce mindset is not my experience, and I hope you allow my post so we can respectfully discuss. I have years of material. 😉
Jill says
Your honesty is inspiring.
Lois says
I’m truly glad you’re happy. However, I do take issue with your dismissive…well, self satisfaction that this-wasn’t-your-experience-so-it-must-be a stereotype take about divorce in general. It isn’t. My ex and I had a mostly amicable divorce, we didn’t argue about assets and no children were involved. It still devastated both of us. I was also a child of divorced parents. (Ended up with a great 2nd dad and no relationship with bio dad). It’s great that you and Matt are good at this time for co-parenting…but if either of you moves from CVille, that’s a different ballgame. Again, I wish you all the best; however, you need to be aware and sensitive to the fact that your divorce experience is not necessarily the norm…and that others’ pain and struggles going through a separation/divorce isn’t merely a “stereotype”.
Elena says
Yeah, I agree with some of what you’re saying here. I think part of it is the loaded nature of the word “stereotype” — it has generally negative connotations. My divorce was terrible, and my ex took all of the money in our joint account and left me $50K in debt when he moved overseas. I was too busy (and too poor!) to chase him down. Fortunately, I made it through. My husband also went through a divorce and his ex-wife is still a thorn in our sides, as she has a penchant for going to court over almost anything. While I’m glad you’re having a relatively smooth sail, the nature of one’s divorce is simply not always something that can be controlled. I wish you all the best, of course.
Amber says
I’m so glad you’re happy and doing well! Thomas seems like a wonderful man.
Had a few comments based on my own experience with divorce 5.5 years out and by watching things go down with friends and famlly:
– Dating “waiting periods” – I agree that it’s different for everyone. However, for every person I know who fell in love and were happily committed to someone shortly after their separation/divorce, I could name five more who did the same thing and realized later that getting serious so soon was harmful for them in the long term. From these conversations and my experience too… what’s driving a lot of the “attraction” is often a need to feel happy again, to feel worthy of love again, to not be lonely, to feel secure, to prove to the world that they’ve still “got it” and are not “damaged”. There are a lot of reasons behind taking things slow that you may not see in yourself or have the perspective to see right now. Some of that side eye is undoubtedly rooted in genuine concern for you. Please have fun, but be careful!
– I was separated at 32 and divorced by 33. I had no problem dating online those first few years. However, when I hit 35, I practically became invisible online to men my age and the people who were checking me out were mostly 10-15 years older. It’s like a lot of men really do want someone young and 35 is their cutoff. I had heard this but totally refused to believe it until it happened to me.
– Some friends will become distant. Let them go. They’re doing you a favor. 🙂
– My life is far better post-divorce, too. I have accomplished so much, made new friends, had more fun and adventure, and am a far happier person! It was a nightmare to go through the divorce but I have come out on top. My marriage taught me that there are far, far worse things than being alone. I never saw myself alone and childless at 37 but honestly, my life now is freaking amazing in ways that never would have happened had my husband not left.
Kath, thanks for sharing what you did. I’m sure it wasn’t easy but this conversation will be really helpful to a lot of your readers.
Samantha says
Kath…after reading this post today I can’t help but feel the underlying tone of sadness/anger. Are you trying to convince us you’re ok, or yourself? Its ok to feel these things. Allow yourself the time to work through your feelings and you will be happier for it. I am glad you are moving on, but don’t move too fast because all that does is keep you busy so you don’t feel anything. Later that will bite you in the bum when those feeling come spilling out…and they will. I know this from my own experience. Divorce never leaves one unscarred. Best luck to you, Matt, and Mazen. God bless!
Sara says
Agreed! Acting like nothing is wrong will blow up as time goes on. Allow yourself time to grieve. Do not jump into another relationship or marriage. This coming from someone who went through a divorce herself. I know exactly how it feels–pretending nothing is wrong will be detrimental in the long run.
Bites for Foodies says
What an eye-opening post Kath! I also believe that you’ve been lucky, by maybe you have because you made certain choices and you are your ex are still friendly. I know a few people who have suffered greatly. I think it’s so important to maintain a positive (and mature) mindset when going through these difficult times!
Becca says
This is a lovely post. I am glad your life is good and I wish you continued happiness.
Melissa Lee says
I’m so happy that you’re doing well!
Jeri says
I’d never judge anyone on what works for them. I’m a Halle Berry/Elizabeth Taylor when it comes
To love and marriage. On my 3 failed. But this time I said let me get me together first before trying to get another relationship together. It’s been 7 years and I finally ready to go to get coffee, the movies or lunch with someone I’m not related to. Glad you found love again. And glad that you and Matt have found common ground. And hope he’s found love too. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Sara says
I am glad your divorce went smoothly. I only wish it was that easy for others. I went through a terrible depression that lasted about 2.5 years during my separation, and through to 6 months after my divorce was finalized. My ex husband and I were still friends until his now new wife became pregnant and he became very cold towards me. I had to completely cut him out of my life for good at that point. I, too, have found love after divorce, but the divorce itself was still EXTREMELY hard–and extremely stressful. We also did not have any children which people expect for it to be easier–it is not easy no matter the circumstances–children or not. I also think I jumped into a relationship way too soon and even though I am still with this man–looking back, I should have given myself time to just be and not be focused on another person and another relationship. You need time to grieve and figure out who you are again. That can be hard when you have been married for so long (I was with my ex for 12 years). You are used to having a partner and for that to suddenly be gone is very traumatic. Another thing I want to point out–in the past two months I have known 2 people personally and through a friend who have committed suicide where their pain of getting divorced was a factor. Divorce is not easy. I would say your experience is actually unique because how you describe it comes off as “easy” or “no big deal.” A lot of people suffer. I am glad you had a smooth process, but remember a lot of people out there are in pain–and these stereotypes are actually truths to them.