Did you know I am a huge Celine Dion fan? When we were in high school, my sister and I used to put on shows in dress-up clothes while blasting her songs on the boombox. This song is our all-time favorite, but “Let’s Talk About Love” is a close second for me.
So let’s talk about it!
A blog reader sent me an email sharing this interview with life coach Brooke Castillo on a podcast called Bold New Mom. I listened to the interview and loved it, so I followed Brooke back to her own podcast and listened to an episode on the same topic that they referenced during the show called Someone To Love.
I LOVED the message they shared in both episodes.
Here’s a synopsis of what’s inside from Brook’s show notes:
In my most recent in-person training, we had two students who were having trouble with their husbands. They were frustrated and felt like their marriages could be better.
After I got done coaching one of these students, she asked me what the point of having a husband was, and she was stunned by my answer – just so you have someone to love.
So many of us often get confused about the reasons why we get married. We have a lot of desires and needs and expect our partners to fulfill those things; and when they don’t, we tend to use it as a cause for frustration.
On this episode of The Life Coach School, we’re taking a deep dive into relationships. We cover how you can use life coaching tools like The Model, Emotional Adulthood, and The Manual to improve your relationships and enjoy them to best of your ability.
What I found to be the biggest light bulb moment for me was when Brooke says she said to her husband: “Hey, I’ll meet my needs, you meet your needs, and the rest of it is just a great time. Anything else is just gravy.”
Our partners aren’t there to make us happy – WE have to make ourselves happy. Our partners are there to have fun and to be the object of our affection. Brooke talks about how you can’t expect your husband to suddenly bring you flowers on Valentine’s Day if you haven’t told him you want them, and you absolutely can’t get mad if he doesn’t do something you haven’t told him you’d like him to do! She talks about how so many women have a manual of how a partner should act and when he doesn’t act that way (because you can’t change someone) they get frustrated, disappointed, mad, etc. We are supposed to love our partners unconditionally – which means we don’t have a list of conditions they have to meet first. I can’t explain it as well as she can – go listen! I listened to it twice and it was even better the second time.
Also on the podcast front, for any of you single ladies out there, Jess Lively shared her personal thoughts about her future partner, and I thought she brought up some great ideas. She reminded us that her future partner is alive and breathing out there… right now! That is pretty cool to think about. People you will meet in the future already exist out there in their own version of the world – you just haven’t met yet. Her episode on Internal and External Love & Approval was really good too.
I read this book last year and it was packed with great advice. It was clear, well-written, honest and very practical. I particularly liked the parts about the Five Dimensions of Chemistry. The author takes something very subjective (love) and makes you look at it as objectively as possible. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who hasn’t quite settled down into a relationship yet.
Finally, here are two love songs that I’ve been listening to: Miranda Lambert “Pushin’ Time” (sent to me by one of you!) and Blake Hunter “Every Single Piece.”
Also Celine Dion. On repeat
(Flashback to last fall in Hillsborough!)
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog says
Thank you for all the recommendations here. Can’t wait to get started on reading/watching them.
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Mom says
LOVE this post about love. In my day, we didn’t think/ ponder/work through so many of these issues in our early years of marriage. Glad times are changing.
Sam @ Hygge Wellness says
Love this post! A friend recently told me that when her husband frustrates her, she CHOOSES to love him in that moment/that day. She says to herself, “I choose to love my husband and have compassion for him”. It was so interesting to think of ‘love’ this way — as a choice we consciously make & have to work on.
Annie says
Wow, what a great post. I fall into the trap of being dissapointed when my husband doesn’t do something, like bring me flowers, even though he has no clue I want them. At one point my mom basically laid out for him what to do on Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc because she was sick of having me call and complain! I didn’t know she had done this for a few years but looking back I should’ve just spoken up.
Hannah says
Kath, you never cease to inspire me. Thank you for the reminders. It is beautiful to love and it is empowering to remember how much of our love is internal. Happy Thursday. Thank you for a good footing to start on today!
KathEats says
<3
Christina @ montessoriishmom.com says
What a great reminder. I can’t wait to listen to the podcast, I’m always looking for new ones!
Sara says
I think these are topics we should discuss in school, under a broader umbrella of interpersonal communication and self-confidence. It took me a long time – through most of my 20s – to figure out that I wasn’t happy in relationships because I wasn’t focusing on myself. If my boyfriend went out with friends or did something away from me I’d be unhappy because what was I supposed to do??
In all honesty, reading HLBs in my mid-20s kind of kick started this realization. I became focused on food, running, writing, and how these things affected my career. And from there it branched out and I feel 100% like my own person. My relationships are so happy because I don’t depend on anyone for fun. Now, my fiance is a bonus to my life vs being my life, and it couldn’t be better.
KathEats says
That’s awesome!
Mary Baker says
So interesting you say that. I teach high school and we talk communication and relationships a little bit I want to do it more. I had to learn on my own the hard way. Now the mom in me takes advantage of all sorts of these teachable moments.
Great post, Kath!
Hannah | Eat, Drink, and Save Money says
I really love this. I oftentimes get criticism from friend and family for the way my husband and I communicate. We are brutally honest with each other because we know that we have to in order to get our needs met by each other. If I do something that he doesn’t like, I need to know, so I won’t keep doing it. It keeps us from arguing. In fact, we rarely argue.
It’s so important to make ourselves happy before making others happy. We can’t get our happiness from anyone else. Sounds like a great podcast!
Mallory says
I get where you’re coming from, but having a partner “just so you have someone to love” is a far to overly simplistic view of marriage. I get that you’re in a place right now, Kath, where you’re looking for a light-hearted romance and a fresh start (and I’m happy that you seemed to have found it in Thomas), but if that were all there is to marriage, we’re all better off getting a dog.
Yes, love is crucial. But it isn’t everything, and although your happiness should not depend on your partner’s, they are actually there to fill certain needs! Couples should fulfill needs for the other by making compromises. I get the whole flowers on valentine’s day thing, but that’s less about needs and more about communication.
Overall I get the point and I’d probably benefit by actually listening to the podcast, but based on what you wrote, this seems way oversimplified.
Mallory says
too*
KathEats says
I did simplify it to be concise, but you should listen to the podcast! I had the same reaction as you until I listened to it twice and I am coming around.
Maria says
So interesting to read this! I love to think about these ideas within my own marriage and it’s so healthy to be open-minded and reexamine our own expectations about relationships.
That being said, I have to agree with Mallory! I think this view of love and relationships is more reflective of a dating relationship, personally. In my marriage, and with children and a household, I view our marriage as a partnership where we each have different roles. My spouse is so much more than somebody to love — he is a co-parent, an earner, a financial consultant, responsible for household activities and chores, etc. I am all of these things too.
This is a personal question, but do you think your expectations of your current relationship are probably much different because you (presumably) don’t share all of these responsibilities/joys/heartaches right now? Don’t you think they would change if you were to merge into one household, get married, and/or have children?
KathEats says
I don’t think that Brooke is saying at all that the responsibilities of a household, parenting and a marriage shouldn’t be shared. She is saying more that you shouldn’t base your emotional happiness on someone else’s actions. Listen to her podcast on The Manual. I absolutely think spouses, partners, and housemates should share the responsibilities as equal as makes sense.
Mallory says
Maria, you stated what I was thinking better than I did- completely agree! Kath, if responsibilities should be shared (sounds like we’re all in agreement here), then if one party consistently does not live up to their responsibilities, wouldn’t it be natural to be unhappy emotionally in the marriage? So yes, I agree that personal happiness does not depend on having a romantic partner at all. But there are things that your partner should live up to– aside from providing an outlet for love — to maintain a “happy” relationship.
KathEats says
I am trying to think what Brooke would say here because she is so eloquent but she definitely addresses this in the podcast! I think she’d say something like “You can choose to be annoyed or unhappy or choose to be loving about it and express your concerns rationally.” I just listened to her podcast on The Manual and it addresses all of these same issues. She talks a lot about how you are only in control of your own actions and emotions and how you choose to look at things. Again, I just can’t say it as well as she does!
Tonya says
I think people are really misinterpreting things without listening to the podcast. You gave a very cursory overview and shared some takeaways that resonated with YOU. I think they should give it a listen in order to get the meat and potatoes of what the host is saying and see what they walk away with. Or not! Also I think people tend to see the phrase “someone to love” and think of love like having a “pet” or someone to be twee with. Love is much deeper than that and they can’t assume the podcast doesn’t agree until they liiiiiisten. LOL
Ellie says
Thank you for this. I have a 3rd date tonight and it’s been a battle between my brain and the butterflies. I’m trying to be cautiously realistically optimistic (I stole that from you Thanks) but I might just be falling flat on my face:)
After a long hard relationship this starting over again is insane but so far way better than I expected.
Kelli @ Hungry Hobby says
the last book I read on love was the five love languages, it was super interesting talking about how each person receives love differently. It was really eye opening in my life, not just with my husband but with my close friends and family as well! Thanks for all the resources can’t wait to dive into them!
KathEats says
I feel like this is in contrast to those and it’s been a weird switch to change thinking!
Maribeth says
I’ve been meaning to comment since you introduced your readers to your love – I’m so happy for you. Your joie de vivre has been so evident in all of your posts. Thanks for letting us into your life.
NANcy Brooks says
Great read, even for the older generations
Linda @ The Fitty says
I think there’s a book out there called “5 Love languages” and I really want to read it. Have you heard of it, Kath?
coco says
such a beautiful post Kath. I love love this way of thinking love. It’s simpler, pressure free and true to the reason we want to have a partner. It’s so easy to fall into the complaining mode because we expect the other person to behave certain way to please us… but if their whole existence is to be loved by us… how liberating! 🙂
Sandra says
Love this & agree with you, Kath! For the past few months I have been listening to Jess’ podcast and resonate with so much that she speaks of and enjoy that she introduces her audience to a variety of guests she interviews on different topics. P.S. Rarely comment but have been reading your blog for almost 10 yrs. 🙂
KathEats says
Thanks for your comment!!
Beth says
I might need to listen to this. I definitely agree that you have to make yourself happy. My husband and I have been very happily married for 10 years. But he will never be my everything because that is just too much to expect from one person! I have different relationships with different people for different needs in my life. It doesn’t mean I love my husband any less. Some people think this makes me weird or not committed.
KathEats says
Glad to hear that!
Morgan says
I’m so glad that podcast resonated with you! I thought it would be right up your alley. And brave of you to share it with your readers. I tried to explain it to my (divorced and single) mother and she looked at me like I had become some religious zealot of a wife. Its just hard stuff to explain right, but if people can listen to Brooke with an open mind and no judgement, its really powerful information. We don’t have to suffer. Do you have a Center For Spiritual Living in your area? I just started going (and I’m a 30 year self proclaimed atheist) and it has been the best self care thing Ive ever done. Meditation! Lessons! So many good feelings! Anyway I’m super stoked that this is where your head is at and its reflecting in your blog. Much love!
KathEats says
Thank you for sharing it!!
Jenny says
is this a direct quote from the podcast? “Hey, I’ll meet my needs, you meet your needs, and the rest of it is just a great time.”
I don’t have the time to listen to it right now but will later once my daughter is asleep for the night because I’m curious. I find that statement so problematic. Needs are so personal! What happens when satisfying your own needs makes your partner unhappy or uncomfortable? This notion is really idealistic I think – it really assumes that needs are always in both partners best interest. What happens when a husband/wife cheats to fulfill a need? Abuses drugs/alcohol/gambles to fulfill a need? Needs aren’t always altruistic.
KathEats says
That is definitely not how she is defining needs
Cait says
Haven’t listened to the podcast yet but from your comments her philosophy sounds like it might be similar to some of what Mara & Danny Kofoed’s (spelling?) write about over at from A Blog About Love. They are married (both after divorcing previously) and have some amazing entries about self-worth, happiness, boundaries, healthy relationships, etc. They are religious though don’t necessarily “sell” a particular religion to their readers (I am not religious), and a year or two ago I probably would have read their stuff and thought they were too far out there. Now, after going through my own divorce and contemplating what I really want and how to live my life in a more peaceful, joyful way, I think they are right on. Highly recommended if you’re looking for more to read and explore.
KathEats says
I will check them out!
Kath says
Hey Kath, thanks for the recommendations. Excited to read/listen. Love when you post on these topics and share your heart out =)
Awhile back you mentioned the book mentioned in this post and another book you read on love/relationships – what was the title/author of that other book again??
Thanks!
KathEats says
Oh gosh I’m not sure I remember which one! Do you remember what it was about?