Good morning!! Now that was a nice little breakfast : ) Coffee, toast, berries & eggs!
A topic I have been meaning to write about for a while is the realization that the lifestyle of motherhood is ever-changing. When Mazen was a newborn and in the baby years after that, my mom’s group would meet up almost every afternoon. We would talk and breastfeed and hold our babies while they slept. We shared tips and supported one another. As an extrovert, those days with my friends saved me from long hours without adult interaction. We had such a glorious time, and it never crossed my mind that we were in a temporary phase of motherhood that would come to an end.
When our children started to crawl and walk (and second babies were born), the frequency of playdates started to wane. As much as we tried to keep the crumbs off the floor and the toy fights at bay, it just became a big commitment for someone to open their home to 10 wild kids. Things got broken and stained, and before we knew it we just stopped going to playdates at each other’s homes.
The kids kept getting bigger, needing more space so we moved the playdates outside to yards and parks or the Discovery Museum or the pool so the kids could have space to roam. Our time together became focused on chasing our little ones and keeping them out of trouble, and while it was still great to see each other, we often felt like we hadn’t really been able to catch up because we were so busy with the kids. And it was challenging to always plan playdates out in public around the weather and around our kids’ schedules, especially when the second generation of babies started to become mobile as well.
So for a while I really longed for the days when Mazen was a baby. I was sad that I didn’t realize how much I would miss those days until they were gone. But like most parts of motherhood, things evolved again.
Recently I decided to do a reunion playdate at my house and had maybe 10-15 kids there. We created a “no shoes and no snacks outside of the kitchen” rule to keep the white carpets from getting destroyed. Now that the older kids are 4-5 years old we noticed that they played together nicely, and tears were at an all-time low. The play date went really well! I am hopeful that we will find a happy medium to connect with our friends (notice they are “our” friends – both Mazen’s and mine – now!) as they continue to grow up.
Lunch mix: hot tea, leftover kale, chicken and mac, and a Siggi’s for dessert.
And for dinner – a meal from Plated with beef, kale, noodles, and mushrooms. Yum!!
I’m curious as to whether any of you experienced what we did regarding the social aspects of motherhood?
Eileen says
It is true! Each of my kids had a different group of buddies when they were toddlers, with some occasional overlap. I LOVED those days and I will always remember those kids … the funny/sad thing is that my kids don’t remember them at all. School brings a whole new wave of friends and activities, and it can be tough to keep up with the original cast of characters. (Moves, different schools, sibling activities, etc., all take a toll.)
Jessica from Durham says
Yes, once school hits full time it’s a whole new experience for kids and stay at home moms. It takes time to transition. I don’t miss the babyvstwfe for me age 2-3 was so much fun with my playgroup we loved gathering at the playgrounds.
Sara says
That’s a really interesting perspective, Kath! I’ve noticed something similar, as well, even though my oldest child is only 2.5 years old (and I now have a 6 month old, too!). I still get together with several of my “mom friends”, but I’m also realizing that things have changed since we had newborns. Many have moved to new houses in different parts of town a bit further away, siblings have been added to the mix, and (if I’m being honest) I’m realizing I don’t have as much in common with some people other than the fact that our kids were born around the same time – and that’s OK! I think it was a helpful thing to have a network like that when I was first venturing into new motherhood, but right now, I’m trying to be more selective with how I balance my time with work/family/friends/kid stuff.
Elise says
I’m not a mother, but reflecting on my own childhood, it will be interesting to see how this changes as Mazen starts to choose his own friends. For now, his friends are your friends’ children, but as he gets older, he’ll pick his own friends at school, at sports, or just in the neighborhood. My parents weren’t ever “friends” with my friends’ parents, though they were certainly friendly. It’s interesting to reflect on that.
Megan says
I went through the same thing with my playgroup for my oldest! We really helped and supported each other through those crazy and lonely early days of motherhood. Now that he is 6, I find myself prioritizing those friendships and finding time to really catch up, over coffee or lunch while the kids are at school. The busier we get, the more important it is to weed out the unnecessary commitments and focus on those people who keep us going!
Sam @ Hygge Wellness says
I don’t have any children yet, but I loved reading your perspective! As someone who has friends with kids, I can see that it’s not nearly as enjoyable for the mom once their kid hits the “running around” stage. I guess I’ve experienced evolving friendships because of it. I completely understand why it wouldn’t be enjoyable or even viable to have a meal or a get together with a friend when you’re so distracted. And I know that one day I’ll feel the same way ; )
Katie D. says
This is so true! My kids are 2.5 and 7 months and my close friend has kids that are 4 and 3. Just recently, it has become easier to hang out with kids again – the older ones play well together and my littlest one is happy to hang out and watch the older kids play. The adults even get to play a card game with minimal interruptions!
KathEats says
Nice!
Wendy says
Absolutely true! When I first became a mom, it was much like you are experiencing. I was a mostly stay at home mom with a lot of flexibility in my schedule, and I had a little group of mom friends who’d get together every week. When my oldest started school, I also started working full time as a teacher, which caused a huge shift in our family’s schedule. No more time for play dates! My kids are now in upper elementary (4th and 6th) grades, and our lives now revolve around the kids’ extra curriculars and homework loads I’m anticipating shifts again when my daughter starts middle school next year, then again in high school, and then college and beyond. So, yes, it’s a constant evolution! But I’m not one to mourn for when my babies were little, but rather enjoy watching them grow and change and blossom.
Jenny says
It can absolutely be isolating. Having said that, I’m so grateful that we are in a position to have me home with my little girl feelings of isolation or not. There are so many working moms out there who work a 9-5, come home and need to tend to obligations like cooking and cleaning all while trying to spend time with their kid(s). When if I feel isolated I just call up a friend and head out for a coffee- if my kid is acting up- she’s acting up. Chasing kiddos at play dates is to be expected I feel – the play date is as much for them to play as it is for us to socialize.
Lila says
Your comment is very condescending toward working mothers. I am so grateful that I am in a position where I DON’T have to stay home if I don’t want to. Many mothers are forced to stay home because they don’t make enough to cover childcare. Working moms don’t need your pity, odds are, some feel just as bad for you as you do for them.
Jess says
I’m with you, Lila!
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog says
I feel like I can’t comment on your thoughts yet because I’m not a mother, but I just gotta say I love your meal spreads – the pumpkin on your breakfast table looks so adorable!!
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
KathEats says
thank you : )
Tamara says
I don’t have kids, but as I have gotten older, I’ve been more and more aware of this in other parts of my life, like how easy it was to see my friends during university (they were down the street!) or how easy it was to get drinks after class with friends during my post-bacc program, and how now- it’s easy to travel through Europe (this might be the best one…), but that this, too, will change with time. My dad always says “be here now” so I try to focus on the moment and appreciate it for what it is! But it does make me sad to think about changing lives…but excited too 🙂
Taryn says
Something that I have recently thought about is how as kids get older they choose their friends as opposed to us choosing for them. Some of my best friends have kids who don’t really “gel” with my 5-year old, and that’s okay! Instead of play dates we now meet up for dinner or ice cream sans kids. I know as my son gets involved in activities and sports I will start making friends with his friends’ moms instead of the other way around. Funny the evolution 🙂
Katie Marini says
Hi Kath,
Love this post! You know, it’s interesting, for me I was more isolated when my kids were little. It was hard for me to leave the house during the breast-feeding/diaper bag era. I didn’t have many mom friends — mostly because my friends (pre-children) didn’t have kids as early as I did. Also, I had back-to-back babies, and life was pretty chaotic. Now that my kids are in preschool and we’re settled in a house in a small town (Staunton, VA), I’ve been doing A LOT more play-dates. I find that it’s easier when my daughters have friends over, and I love the extra company. Of course, we also have the rule “no food outside of the kitchen,” to try to lessen the mess!
Katie @ Live Half Full says
So interesting to see how motherhood has changed for you over the years. My son is one and it’s been crazy to look back already at this time last year vs this year and it’s interesting to see how things will change in years to come!
Nicole says
100% on point here. I’ve got 3 kids now and my smaller home just doesn’t host my other close friends with 2,3,4 kids anymore. Winters can been tough in that way. Nice weather is so much better because we can meet at the park down the street or even have a few over and open the back door to the yard for extra space. It does evolve, but I’ve learned to look at it in seasons. These seasons are constantly changing! It’s so important to roll with it. One sad thing for me is that one of my best friends has all boys and I have all girls. They just don’t play as well together as the get older. That’s when girls nights become so important!
Christine K says
I have to say from my perspective, it gets even better! We did the same as you when the kids were little, squeezing in a get together when we could manage it. Now that the youngest “baby” is 13, we get together every Friday night! Sometime with the kids and sometimes without. The kids aren’t necessarily friends outside of our group, but they’ve known each other forever and can be themselves. No pressure of trying to impress or be cool, they can just be who they are. It’s completely relaxing and a perfect way to end the week.
KathEats says
Fun times to look forward to!
Elissa says
I agree with what others have commented about your post…very interesting perspective!